The journey

I was in a place I never thought I’d be today yet it was a place that I was familiar with.  A conference speaking engagement similar to many I’ve had over the past three years since my son, Sam, died at the age of 16 from an accidental drug overdose of unbelievable proportions to my family and ultimately, my life existence.  He had “only been experimenting.”  As if that changes the final outcome.  No, he is dead.  And I experience that he is no longer in my life every day; a multitude of times, many moments of every day, moments that are never ending.  Do I wish that was different every minute of every day?  Yes, just like millions of other mothers who have lost children in this new war on drugs.  Excruciating, never ending pain.  A period of my life I wasn’t prepared for.  A period of my son’s life that he was not prepared for.  Had I not prepared him?

Today I spoke… I spoke many times in the aftermath of months after the knock on the door that Mother’s Day that communicated to me that not only was my son not alive anymore but my life was dead… a divorce, a move, a casualty of a blessing of a brother that is so unforgivingly lovingly that life through him is not only bearable, but saving grace.  

So I am blessed.  Even today.  Especially today.  I traveled to the conference with the most comfort I could ever have in this storm.  And upon arrival, I spoke my heart, as we all do, and at the end, there was a standing ovation.  A standing for us all in the loss of the massive storm that has taken away just like the tide dissipates, those we love beyond all measures… those we wish to see again yet know wishes are for those who believe in miracles… we know we are just here to change the world… #muchlovetosam